By Alex Cherup

Mouthing Off Editor

Britney Spears used to do her homework. She also liked science fiction author Kurt Vonnegut. Therefore, the world will be a better place.

This may seem unrelated and illogical, but it will make sense in a minute.

Amazingly, the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences will auction one of Britney’s book reports, along with other rock star parphenallia on Feb. 8 for charity in Los Angeles.

It just so happens that Spears’ literary criticism is on Vonnegut’s short story, “No Talent Kid.”

Take a deep breath to avoid suffocating from humorous irony. And no, the story isn’t about Spears.

I’m sure Spears’ biographer is upset the title was already taken. I’m sure “True Brit: The Story of Singing Sensation Britney Spears” was at least second choice. Well, third. Dostoevsky already used “The Idiot.”

Spears’ homework assignment is projected to make between $600 and $800 for charity. At least it won’t hit the charts. But paying this much for a school assignment from someone who is publically deemed as crazy? I don’t understand it.

I hope Jessica Simpson didn’t throw away her chemistry notes, someone could make a fortune.  

Anyway, some of Spears’ words on Vonnegut include: “I liked this story. It was interesting … The characters had great parts. The story was ultra comical.”

Now it is fully understood why someone must write her material. Although Ms. Spears’ review of Vonnegut is not the issue, it is worth mentioning.

The real problem is expecting $600 for a mediocre piece of homework written by the singer of “Toxic.”  

It reminds one of the time a piece of half-eaten French toast from Justin Timberlake was sold for over $3000 on eBay. Spears also had experience with this sort of garbage, when a piece of her chewed gum was offered on the same Web site.

This is what it has come to. Using celebrity trash to raise money for charity and save the world.

Mother Teresa has been reincarnated as useless rubbish.

For instance, the cure for cancer could be addressed with Kelly Clarkson’s old report cards and Angelina Jolie’s used lipstick cartridges, which make good storage space.

I’m sure a much-needed rebuilding of Detriot could be spearheaded with Lindsay Lohan’s empty beer bottles and Paris Hilton’s old Q-Tips.  

And the federal deficit, the biggest financial plague on America, could be squashed with Tom Cruise’s psychiatric bills. There are no bills yet, because Scientology is against psychiatry, but it is inevitable the law will force psychiatrists to rush to Cruise’s house soon.

Too bad Britney Spears doesn’t wear underwear — the money raised by selling those trophies could feed all of Africa.

Overall, it is pitiful we need such things as a book report from an annoying pop star to raise money for donation. But, if we can save the world by selling famous people’s junk, I guess there is a balance to the universe.

And for those of you hoping to become famous, remember to save all of your notes, homework and leftover food. One day, these items will be the best humanitarian tools.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m trying to find a good deal on Michael Jackson’s Kleenex.