Crap. Well, this is it people. The end is near. The world is supposed to end next month on Dec. 21.
I guess at this point in time we have to look back at all of our accomplishments as a species and be proud of our brief but impactful existence on this planet.
But it isn’t all sad. We have a lot of things to be proud of. Like Ke$ha and killing off all of the dodo birds and the Disney corporation and Rupert Murdoch and Viacom and … oh crap. We really screwed the pooch, didn’t we?
In retrospect, we probably should have seen the signs. After all, Twinkies were supposed to outlast thermonuclear war and we almost lost those a week ago. And when the entire populace rocks out to a song whose lyrics include “Baby, baby, baby, ooh. Like, baby, baby, baby, ooh,” we should have noticed there was a problem.
Or maybe we would have noticed the error of our ways when amazing bands like The Dear Hunter are virtually unknown, but Rebecca Black’s “Friday” has more views than there are inhabitants of Canada.* You know what, I bet one of the signs of the end was when Tyler Perry crapped out his latest cross-dressing garbage and became Forbes’ highest-paid man in entertainment, raking in $130 million between 2010 and 2011. (Which is more than three times the population of Canada).*
Maybe I’m being too critical. Maybe the signs of the end manifested themselves in more generic ways, like when people grew to accept the violent, dark, cynical world they find themselves in without trying at all to change it.
I am going to end this rant on a positive note. If, somehow, we survive the end, I am going to vow to try to make it a better world, any way I can, even if it means I have to nev — wait a minute. I just thought of something. Now, bear with me here, but I think I might be a genius.
We are basing this 12/21/12 thing off of the fact that the Mayans stopped making their calendars right? Well … I am not a history major but… I’m pretty sure that something happened that abruptly ended the Mayans’ existence. Hmmmm…
Oh yeah, that’s right! The conquistadors came and essentially committed genocide on the Mayans in the 17th century. I guess that would explain why there were no more calendars. If they could see the end of our lives, how come they didn’t see their own fate?
I guess no one thought of that.
*The World Bank’s 2011 estimate of the population of Canada, contrary to popular belief, does not account for trees, moose, beavers, deer, snow hares, the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, or elk.
Contact Multimedia Editor Dylan Dulberg via email at firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter @dyldude64