Friends, family and school officials are concerned about the drastic change in the attitude of Oakland University’s Empty Space, which has gone from chipper and ambitious to weary and suicidal.
On sight witnesses, as well as university police, said all instances of the Empty Space’s depression episodes occurred either by the student dorms or the area between Dodge Hall and Elliot Hall, which is the future site of the new engineering building.
An amateur You Tube video that surfaced earlier this week showed an emotionally distraught Empty Space sobbing about why it wasn’t used for student housing.
“Instead, I lie here collecting goose crap and watching as scientific endeavours win the hearts of OU officials … I just can’t like, take this anymore,” said Empty Space on the You Tube video.
OUPD is searching to find who uploaded the video, which was uploaded by someone with the user name ‘brolianassange.’
In the meantime, doctors are scrambling to figure out the root cause of the depression and can only deduce that Empty Space feels … empty.
“It is clear from our first tests that it is suffering from a lack of ambition and purpose. No one has given it a reason to get turned into useful matter,” said Doctor Ih Majinashin. “For matter like Empty Space, this is potentially devastating. It’s heart is broken.”
According to OUPD reports, Empty Space has been crying and lying around and has slipped into “destructive habits and alcoholism.”
Last week, it was caught and briefly arrested after trying to summon several ghosts that live in Meadow Brook mansion into forming a powerful, multi-spirit entity.
Chief of Police Eli Elberson said it was a gravely lethal plot.
“The empty space was attempting to go on a rampage. It planned to destroy all the useful matter on campus,” Elberson said.
OUPD reported that when the empty space was asked for its motive, it “muttered something about campus housing.”
“It was bizarre. It kept sobbing and saying how awful it felt that some students won’t have a home on OU soil, and that it would rather ‘be a hammock, because at least students can sleep on one’ … It was heartbreaking,” Elberson said.
When the news of the foiled terrorist attack leaked, many students immediately tweeted about it, in an effort to raise awareness to the Board of Trustees to fix the housing problem on campus.
Twila, who withheld her last name, said the twitter activism has been incredible.
“Student’s have been tweeting up a storm. We want to let the world know we need more housing and help this poor, empty matter,” she said. “Sometimes all someone or something needs is a pat on the back or a good old-fashioned tweet.”
Other students have taken less drastic measures, simply complaining or worrying about bigger problems such as demanding free scantrons or making Moodle more fun.
Contact Managing Editor Jordan Gonzalez at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Twitter @el_Doctor23.