Major League Baseball is for fatties

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Posted: Wednesday, October 19th, 2011 at 11:47 am | Last Updated: Wednesday, October 19th, 2011 at 11:47 am
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It’s no surprise I hate sports. I’ve complained about it plenty of times; it’s one of the things my life depends on.

On the flipside of that, I love being active and promoting good health, while smoking a cigarette. I really am an advocate of regular exercise and think there should be more of an approach to get kids active at a younger age to prevent obesity and other medical problems later in life.

That being said, I hate baseball.

I have never been a fan of the good ol’ American pastime in the first place, along with my disdain of apple pie and freedom. Does this place me on a terrorist watch list?

Baseball is a boring sport. It takes so long to get exciting stuff stirring. I’m sure throwing a no hitter game is a triumph and exciting for Justin Verlander, I am completely bored however watching you heave a ball.

I have given the game a chance. I’ve been to Comerica Park. The most intriguing part of my venture there was throwing ice off the top of the McDonald’s onto streetwalkers below.

I was ejected before ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’.

They even have a stadium-wide stretch and yawn session three-quarters through the game. The MLB knows the sport is terribly draining.

So why do I have such a terrible taste in my mouth for baseball, a cornerstone of American sports, instead of channeling my disdain towards another more worthless game such as soccer or arena football?

Baseball promotes the fact that you can be grossly overweight and out-of-shape and still make millions of dollars.

I was watching the Tigers whoop some Yankees into submission during the division series and noticed the gigantic gut flapping over the belt of New York pitcher C.C. Sabathia.

The 290-pound man signed a deal back in 2008 with the Yankees for $161 million over seven years.

Did the deal also come with a sponsorship and free daily meals at McDonald’s?

Those figures may not be completely accurate, like Sabathia’s pitches when he hurls Ho-Hos into his mouth, but the point is this guy makes his life playing a sport, a word defined as ‘an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess.’

If that’s the definition of sport, baseball must fall under the category of leisure activities.

What kind of message does this send to youth of the nation, having the ability to be severely overweight with the slight ability to throw a mean fastball and make more money than I will ever possibly generate over two lifetimes?

I feel as if people would see this grotesquely large human being and think that this is a reasonable life choice, clogged arteries and a heart attack at the top of the sixth.

It’s a shame that the Tigers had to lose to the Rangers, but they do have Miguel Cabrera weighing them down. No pun intended.

Or maybe just a little.

The need for a large upper body to hit the ball far, on the off-occasion someone actually hits the ball, is understandable. If your broad shoulders allow you to clock up home runs then you can munch your chicken sandwich while you waddle the bases.

I truly am upset the Tigers have been ousted from the pennant race, but at least our lofty metro children can forget about their husky heroes of baseball for some time while they focus on basketball icons that get arrested for drunk driving with gun possession.

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  • Tyler

    Brian, this piece is almost humorous. It’s too bad that all of those guys are more athletic than you will ever be.

    If you had a clue, which you don’t, you’d find it easy to realize that Miguel Cabrera is not only the best player on the Tigers team, but one of the best players in baseball.

    Just like your article on the Lions a few weeks back, you should stick to something other than sports. It would make you look like much less of a clown.

  • Steve

    You probably shouldn’t mock things you don’t understand. From this article I learned a few things.

    1. You hate baseball
    2. You don’t think overweight athletes should have the same opportunity as other athletes
    3. You don’t understand baseball and therefore don’t appreciate how exciting it can be.

    You should probably write about things you understand. This article comes off as ignorant and judgemental.

  • Brian

    Well, Tyler, I guess I’ll have to hit the gym more often and the trails a bit more while the weather is nice to try and one up of those 1,200+ players.

    I have no doubt that Miguel Cabrera is one of baseball’s finest hitters. This piece was not focused on his or any other players prowess at home plate. It had to do with the weight of players. Not all of them, not remotely close to a majority, but enough to irk me when you are getting paid to be in shape.

    During training camp, Cabrera’s weight was under the microscope. Obviously his weight did nothing to diminish his performance as to help the Tigers make the play-offs, but it is still his weakest spot that I am exploiting, as you have brought to surface my weakest points in writing.

    Miguel Cabrera could beat me in arm wrestling. He could knock me out with one meaty left hook. But could he beat me in a foot race around the bases? Doubtful when factoring in his weight.

    Maybe Cabrera will take up my challenge.

  • Seth

    Brian,

    Miguel Cabrera would destroy you in a footrace.

    Guaranteed.

  • Brian

    That’s fine. I just want to race. No sand-in-the-eyes tricks like before.

  • Tyler

    So, because you could beat him around the bases in a foot-race, they are “fatties”? Again, you are clueless about the game of baseball, so stick to something you are good at. Maybe go spend 24-hours in the library again. Maybe this time you can make your way to a book about the game of baseball and learn a thing or two.

  • BrianD

    Same could be said for the theater or ballet. But unless you have a true understanding of what you are watching you will find it boring.