Potty training: Use at your own risk, fellas
Comments
Print This
Email This
Tweet This
Delicious
By JARED PURCELL
Sports Editor
I am 21 years old and I’m still trying to figure out how to use a public men’s restroom. It seems like I learn something new every time I walk into one to take care of business. I figured if I’m still struggling other men must be too. Here are some rules and experiences for those men out there who may not be as educated as they think.
Speaking is a sin in the world of the men’s restroom. Even a nod is pushing it. Unless you’re washing your hands and your buddy walks in, you keep your trap shut.
Never ever turn your head to a stranger at another urinal and say, “Hey.” Why? I don’t know. But if you do that, you’re suddenly on the same level as a serial killer. That’s not a good thing.
Yet, once in a blue moon, you run into that one guy who thinks the bathroom is the best place to share his life story. If that ever happens, here is some advice that will help you in that situation: RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
Never take a urinal immediately next to another guy unless you have no other choice.
Seriously, the homophobia that still exists in men’s restrooms today is palpable. There must be one urinal between you and the next person. God forbid if you accidentally catch a glimpse of something you didn’t want to see.
Sometimes, when I walk into a bathroom with three urinals and I feel like being an ass, I take the middle urinal. The same thing happens every time: Some guy walks in and stops in his tracks. As I’m staring at the wall in front of me and taking care of business, I can swear I can hear the wheels turning in his frantic head. He clears his throat and shuffles around a bit in a panic and then goes into the stall. Talk about insecurity.
If nature’s calling, nature’s calling. If I have to go, I don’t give a damn if I have to take a urinal right next to someone.
Yet, sometimes I walk into an empty bathroom with 10 urinals and a guy walks in just behind me and takes a stall. Then, I can hear that what he is doing in there can be taken care of at a urinal.
I feel sorry for guys like that. Honestly, if you need to pee in a stall no matter what, buy some male enhancement pills. Maybe you’ll find the confidence to pee in a urinal. Really, why else would a guy be in a stall?
Oh — if I can just say something here for a sec — guys, wash your freaking hands. I wish there was a camera system that could take photos of guys that don’t wash their hands. That way, the photos can be sent to said guy’s girlfriend with a message saying, “You held that hand today.”
Ladies, it happens way more than it should. Call up your boyfriends and tell them to wash their hands. It’s nasty and so not cool.
And you wonder why men’s restrooms are always nasty as hell. Girls have frickin’ couches and martini bars while the guys have toilet paper stuck to the wall. Don’t ask what they use to stick it there.
Besides the crap (literally or not) that’s stuck to the wall, the graffiti writing never fails to enlighten me.
Some things I’ve learned from men’s restrooms over the year: “John is a douche,” “Use at your own risk,” “AC/DC is awesome,” “AC/DC sucks,” “You suck,” and so on.
The crazy thing is that I’ve never seen anyone write anything. See, girls can write in secret inside the stalls. But how is it possible that I’ve never seen a guy writing something on the wall above a urinal? It’s like “Phantom of the bathroom” or something. I can go into a Bathroom day after day and something new can be on the wall.
I’ve even read entire poems. Honestly, Shakespeare wannabes, save it for your journal. Reading sonnets isn’t a part of bathroom business.
Yeah, men’s bathrooms are strange and mysterious places full of laws and rules entirely their own. It seems the more bathrooms I use, the more I know about them. At least now I have a list of 100 numbers of where to find a “good time.”
Who wants to party?
No Comments
No comments yet.
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.