The Oakland Post

Not so back to the future

By Patrick Brodsky
Posted: Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 at 12:38 am | Last Updated: Wednesday, March 11th, 2009 at 12:38 am Comments Print This Email This Tweet This Delicious

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My hair was teased perfectly and sprayed with enough Aquanet to keep the curls intact. I had just finished applying bright pink lipstick and enough black eyeliner and eye shadow for an entire runway show.

My black pumps met my legwarmers at the perfect spot and my black rubber bracelets made my arms look covered in sleeves even though I was only wearing a lacy tank top.

“Gonna give you all my love boy, my fear is fading fast …” As I readied myself to hit the hottest dance club in town, I belted out Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” as if I were staring down Sean Penn in the flesh, ready to “give it all” up in a sea of strawberry-flavored Capri Sun.

Then I woke up. It was 2006 and I was actually getting ready to attend a Halloween party as Madonna.

I was born in 1987. Technically I was a child of the 1980s but my memories of the decade’s pop culture are blurred with dirty diapers, temper tantrums and countless hours listening to the New Kids on the Block with my 15-year-old babysitter.

I was unable to experience the greatness that was “The Brat Pack,” the cocaine epidemic and the “Greed” era, among other yuppie events. I’ve always been really bitter about the fact I wasn’t alive to get a taste of yuppie lifestyle. Like, seriously that totally sucks.

I’ve been jonesing ’80s pop culture since high school. Every time I expressed interest in the gnarly decade to those who lived it they would tell me it wasn’t that great.

Then I had an epiphany — nothing has really changed in the past 20 years. It’s 2009 and I’m essentially living a similar life to Andrew McCarthy’s character in “St. Elmo’s Fire” — nervous about the future and afraid to fall in love.

Enough about me. My epiphany soon made me realize that I didn’t need the DeLorean to travel “Back to the Future.” Given history’s inherent tendency to repeat itself and the new millenium having proven no differently, one could conclude that I’m already there.

Same old politics
President George W. Bush really took the old cliche “like father like son” to heart when he took office in 2000. Nearly 22 years ago, his father, then-Vice President George H.W. Bush, denied knowing that the United States provided Iran with military arms.

In January 2008, nearly five years into the Iraq War, Bush Jr. claimed that Iran was “a threat to world peace.”

Wait, we’re still talking about Iran? Someone check to see if Condoleezza Rice left a scrunchie in the office — I think Washington’s got a touch of ’80s fever.

My theory is that Bush Sr. hid a Rubik’s Cube in the White House’s Lincoln Room, hiding the tricky solution from all the presidents who came afterwards. Upon solving the Rubik’s Cube, the paragon of virtue would be opened by the president and all problems with Iran would soon be amended.

Much like all of the other American foreign policy problems since 2000, Bush Jr. was apparently unable to solve the Cube in his eight years as President. Now, it’s up to President Barack Obama to preserve the ’80s lifeline to the White House.

Could Obama be one of those geniuses who can solve the Cube in under a minute? Time will tell.
 
Greed: not so good 
“Greed is good.” As Michael Douglas famously uttered those powerful words in the 1987 film “Wall Street,” he typified the “yuppie movement,” in which material goods triumphed over personal glory.

However, Jim Bakker was already two steps ahead of Douglas. The popular televangelist and former Assemblies of God minister was the original Bernie Madoff, embezzling nearly $4 million from Praise The Lord Ministry the same year “Wall Street” was released.

Over 20 years later, Ascot Partners investment manager Bernie Madoff made headlines for fraud on a much larger scale. However, Madoff graduated Bakker’s economic indecency from millions to billions, taking nearly $50 billion from investors. Even “Footloose” star Kevin Bacon was hit hard from Madoff’s Ponzi scheme — six degrees that Bacon wishes he could have back, to be sure.

Looks like Madoff learned a lesson or two from Bakker. But unlike his 2009 heir apparent, Bakker didn’t strike up a plea deal and spent time in the slammer. “Greed” as we’ve learned is not good.

Fads that never die
One of the most memorably wicked staples of the ’80s were some of the sweet threads and trends. What was once popular in the tubular decade has risen from the dead and has found relevance in our fashion lives today.

Like, seriously, how many women are walking around on campus wearing leggings, legwarmers or miniskirts? Our mothers were rocking those looks nearly 25 years ago with bigger hair and brighter makeup to go with it.

But as seen at New York Fashion Week in February, fashion designers have taken the revival of the ’80s to another level. Power suits, angular shoulder pads and Day-Glo colors hit the runways of Marc Jacobs and Michael Kors.

What’s next — Parachute pants? Sweat pants tucked into tube socks? Pocket protectors?
Ugh, like seriously barf me out. A message to the fashion industry: keep it at shoulder pads.

One trend that didn’t include using pads of any kind — despite the common spinning on head technique — was the break dancing phenomenon. Pop culture and hip-hop helped transcend the dance craze into the mainstream.

The fancy footwork, spinning on floors and stomps gave dancers street cred in the ’80s.

Today, we have MTV’s “America’s Best Dance Crew.” Mario Lopez from “Saved by the Bell” stands on a round stage, looking pretty as can be to announcing what mega mix the contestants are pop, lock and dropping it to. Although America, along with former *NSYNCer JC Chasez, “Lip Gloss” singer Lil Mamma and choreographer Shane Sparks get to decide on what’s hot.

Pop and hip-hop music still provided the soundtrack for the breakers, but for some reason I don’t think they get the same street cred as the breakers of the streets did. Maybe it’s because the dance crews aren’t spinning on cardboard.    

Why did I ever complain about not being able to experience the ’80s? I’m grabbing my shoulder pads and I’ll be ready to roll.