The Oakland Post

Alternative spring break

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By Tim Rath
Web Editor

In recent times, new technologies and economic hardships have drastically changed the way newspapers do business.

We here at The Oakland Post are not immune to these changes; in fact, our inability to adapt has forced us to quickly go the way of the dodo bird — extinct. As such, we’re getting out of the newspaper business entirely to enter the world of travel marketing.

Why travel marketing, you ask? Well, years of theorizing exactly what you, the average student at Oakland University, “really wants” out of your college experience has led us to only one conclusion: You want to leave OU and never return.

Thankfully, with spring break right around the corner, the options for such an escape are plentiful. Although we here at The Oakland Post are out of the wordsmithing game, we remain committed to giving you what you really want.

With that in mind, please consider one of the exquisite vacation packages we now offer as part of our new, spring break travel campaign we call, “I Mean It: Anywhere But Here.”
Really, consider it. Please. We’re in trouble.

Mariana Trench Marinaland
While your friends are partying near the water in the beaten trails of Cabo San Lucus and South Padre Island, you’ll be having a more-fulfilling experience, partying in the water — 6.8 miles deep in the Pacific Ocean. Once you’ve lived on a diet of nothing but Tang in a nosebleed-inducing high-pressure environment, you’ll wonder how you ever did without!
The tiny, bolted-in windows of your submarine offer thrilling views of ethereal species like the seven-arm octopus, immortal jellyfish and oarfish that God never wanted you to see. $2,000 per person, $1,850 for OU students.

Cape Horn Safari
You say you like sailing? How about sailing through large gusts of wind, icebergs and waves the size of skyscrapers? If so, a cruise around this “sailors’ graveyard” may be right up your alley: two weeks spent encircling the southern tip of Chile despite the presence of the more easily-navigated Panama Canal to the north. Upon your return, you’ll be the talk of the class: “You got sunburned on your cruise? That sucks. I was attacked by the Chilean Navy. Yeah, they don’t have an ointment for that yet. Pansy.” $2,500 per person, $2,000 for OU students, stowaways are free.

Afghanistan Adventure
OK, maybe the water’s not your thing. That’s cool — what about Afghanistan’s endorheic Sistan Basin, one of the driest regions in the world? We’ll drop you from a helicopter into the desolate desert with a bottle of Dasani water and an AK-47 for the “authentic” experience. You’ll be sleeping in only the most rat-infested of caves, being kicked awake by only the wildest horses and fleeing in terror from only the most violent of American bounty hunters. It’s great for families with children! $1,800 per person, $1,400 for OU students.

Everest Experience
Some of your classmates may spend spring break clubbing in New York City alongside the Olsen Twins, doing lines of coke off of Paris Hilton’s breasts with a Krazy Straw and learning how to do the “Soulja Boy” once and for all, but where’s the creativity in that? Where’s the joy? We here are The Post know where we’ll be: getting our “Sir Edmund Hillary” on along the border of Nepal and China, trapping goats with the sherpa mountaineers and learning how to avoid frostbite. Oh yeah, that’s hot.

Not only will you get the experience of scaling the world’s largest peak, but we also offer survival training before the trip (walking to class at OU during Michigan winter should suffice if you can’t make it) and psychiatric evaluations after (in case you come home with a new friend like Wilson in “Castaway”). $1,600 per person, $800 for OU students.

Mumbai Escape
If you thought that Bollywood films projected the Indian nation in a fascinating, thrilling light, just wait until you’re trapped for two weeks in its largest city, Mumbai! Once again, you’ll be getting an “authentic” Mumbai experience, living in slum pockets that encompass a mere 6 percent of the city’s land, yet total 60 percent of its entire population to create one of the most densely populated cities on the planet! You’ll work low-paying, high-stress jobs to keep the economy moving by day, fend off nationalist construction crews by night and desperately try to stay healthy in-between! $2,700 per person.

Remember, lots of newspapers-turned-travel-agents will make grandiose claims about the beautiful sights you’ll see and exciting times you’ll live with their vacation packages.

However, only The Oakland Post’s “I Mean It: Anywhere But Here” packages offer you the most honest opportunity to test your mind and spirit in the most extreme of locales. In fact, if you can imagine an area on this planet more intense than the ones above, we’ll send you on a weeklong voyage free of charge!*
*This offer is not valid for the city of Detroit.