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The Oakland Post

SATIRE: Seven exotic summer destinations that are conveniently located near psych hospitals

Simon Albaugh, Social Media Editor

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Are you feeling extreme emotional distress? Failing-oriented feelings of paranoia? Major-related identity dysphoria?

If one or more of the above is a direct result of finals stress, then maybe you need a vacation. 

So, The Oakland Post has created a list of seven exotic summer destinations armed to the teeth with a psych ward on standby. Because, you know, finals.

7.) Mackinac Island, Michigan

That’s right, we’re starting with our motherland of a state. We’re famous for our cherries, lack of any wild state-animal specimen,and a shit-load of car companies. But what most people don’t realize is that we also have an international treasure just a 20-minute boat ride away.

Mackinac Island is known for trying to seem like it doesn’t know what a car is. But don’t ask a tourism ambassador why there are no cars. It’s an international conspiracy used to immerse tourists in the experience. I once saw a naked man running through the streets yelling “Cars exist! Cars exist!” He was promptly tazed and taken off the island.

Maybe he was brought to Cheboygan Mich., where the area’s psychiatric center treats a variety of behavioral issues and cognitive effects. Or maybe he’s being brainwashed by the Mackinac tourist industry. We’ll never know for sure.

6.) Ocean City, Maryland

Did somebody say lobster and butter? Well, I’m allergic. Thanks for being so insensitive.

This Atlantic Ocean city boasts one of the greatest boardwalk experiences in America. So whenever you drop your keys or your phone, they go through the cracks, never to be seen again.

The innumerable businesses and attractions should keep your mind off your grade point average long enough to really enjoy yourself. But make sure not to go during their designated “Senior Week,” when recent high school graduates come to enjoy the location.

However, if you do go, don’t harass them and tell them that they are so naïve for growing up and thinking that college will be fun. Don’t throw rocks at them and try to explain to the police that it’s a metaphor for life that they need to learn as soon as possible.

If you find yourself in that situation, count yourself lucky that Baltimore has more young adult psychiatric hospitals than you can count.

5.) Amsterdam, the Netherlands

You know what doesn’t help directly after a period of high stress? Psychedelics, which are totally legal in the Netherlands.

This place obviously has its share of psychedelic truffle-related emergencies. With the intensely cerebral nature of such emergencies, there needs to be a good place for those people to get help.

So go ahead and enjoy the copious amounts of weed. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but maybe hold off on the psychedelics scene. Or don’t.  I honestly don’t know how psychedelics work.

4.) Virginia Beach, Virginia

The Land of the free and home of the brave belongs to number four on our list.  This wonderful place is best known for its simultaneous position as the home of original American settlers and the locale of a girls gone wild “top ten college party spot.” So, you can throw up in the same place that a pilgrim lived!

But what this place lacks in morals, it makes up in charm. 400,000 call this resort town home and they have psychiatric problems after watching the gross things tourists do.

So when you realize what horrible choices you’ve made in Virginia Beach, VA, you can go to the Virginia Beach Psychiatric Center. The only place with an ocean view from psychotherapy rooms.

3.) Tokyo, Japan

This is the most exotic destination, with culture brimming from every noodle shop and sushi bar. Famous for Anthony Bourdain’s transformation into an international celebrity, and, you know, Pearl Harbor. This is a great place to get culture shock.

Many wealthy ex-patriots know this place well. Its charming streets and safe environment turn the city streets into a playground. Until you suddenly remember The Nanking Massacre.

If you’re anything like me and hold a grudge about things that literally have nothing to do with you, then you’re going to start running around the streets asking why the Japanese felt the need to do horrible acts. That’s a great way to put you in a psychiatric hospital.

2.) Dubai, The United Arab Emirates

If you’re rich, this is the place for you. You know those pictures of golden Ferraris and platinum AK-47’s? This is where they come from.

Dubai is famous for its ridiculous amount of wealth and prosperity that WILL collapse because all of its money comes from oil and violating basic human rights of minority ethnic groups.

Luxury shopping and a great night life are just some of the beautiful things that come from this Persian Gulf city. It also homes of one of the only indoor ski resorts in the world. You can ski inside after you literally just watched a foreign construction worker getting shot in the street.

If the PTSD doesn’t get you, then the PDA (public display of affection) may. That’s right, you can be sent to a psychiatric hospital for kissing someone. We won’t think you’re crazy, but we’re not the ones that govern Dubai.

1.)Hawaii

Don’t think about the volcanoes. Don’t think about the volcanoes.

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that the world is a horrible place. But a little vacation to one of these places can make everything seem like a better, more reliable place. Or it can make it all worse. Just don’t think about this stuff. Drown your real feelings in ignorant bliss because the world doesn’t need more sad people. Now, enjoy your summer.

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