SATIRE: Living in the library rent-free
March 28, 2017
Filed under Satire
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I don’t know if you’re familiar with this, but when you’ve got a hammock and your student ID, there’s a special time at night when nobody cares where you sleep.
I’ve been living in the Kresge Library since the semester started. And, it’s great. You need pillows? Just get the big and soft genealogy of Rochester Hills volumes. Bill O’Reilly’s books are also helpful if there’s no toilet paper in the bathroom.
But, it’s hard living in there. You have to deal with people walking into a private room during midterms and yelling at you for sleeping in the only available study room. Or when you’re showering in the bathroom sinks, and people get upset that they see your naked body all over the place as they wash their hands.
So, let me give you a guide to surviving the average day in the bitter cold between the library shelves.
- Don’t worry about the angry looks you get for walking past the circulation desk with a pillow and sleeping bag. They can mind their own goddamn business. What I do and where I sleep has nothing to do with them. But, be nice. They can kick you out if they have to.
- If someone tries to kick you out of a study room during midterms or finals, don’t argue. Do you know how cold it was when I was kicked out of the library for fighting in it? Granted, the guy had it coming. I mean, you don’t just wake someone up after they’ve been sleeping for two hours to tell them that they can’t sleep there. I won the fight, too. But still, it was really cold.
- If you need food, you’re kinda screwed. Bring all the midnight snacks you can get. If you try to steal from the café, you’ll get kicked out. It’s especially weird on the nights when I am really hungry and sleeping in my underwear. That was a long conversation with the Oakland University Police Department.
- If it’s late enough, you can literally sleep anywhere. You don’t have to wait until all the people leave to find a spot in between the shelves. Just go in there, introduce yourself and say what your major is. Then, set up your sleeping bag next to your new friend. It’s that easy. But, if you do it before you guys are bros, then that new friend might actually call the circulation desk workers and have you kicked out.
- If you’re on scholarship, you won’t have to work anymore. I got a scholarship from the American Jewish Foundation for my impeccable grade point average and ability to pretend I’m Jewish. I had to learn Photoshop for a bar mitzvah too, but that’s a different story. I enjoy having the freedom to just explore the world of books. I’ve discovered a love for Joyce and Hemingway. But mostly, I just enjoy not working.