SATIRE: Adderall kingpin on academic probation – campus slums in chaos
March 14, 2017
Filed under Satire
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What was originally a bad grade in a literature class ultimately turned into one of the greatest black-market political shifts in recent campus history.
John Blinkley, an English and economics double major, is commonly thought to be the mastermind behind the recent surge of Adderall use around Oakland University. He was placed on academic probation on Thursday, March 2, after turning in a plagiarized midterm essay on William Faulkner’s “The Sound and the Fury.”
It is unclear how long Blinkley will be on probation, but with the loss of one of the most influential smugglers on campus – he was rumored to have 16 prescriptions for the psychotropic medication – a turf war among his former suppliers and employees has already begun.
Blinkley was famous for originally using his student loans for housing, then offering half the room at a reduced cost to his friend, Austin Flaubert. Most of the pair’s operations were held in the dorm they shared.
It is rumored that, upon their meeting, they agreed to use the extra funds to bribe doctors in Pontiac, just southwest of campus, in exchange for Adderall prescriptions. This was the start of the Hamlin Cartel, named for the dorm where the roommates first met.
It is estimated they had as many as 150 students working distribution for a cut of the profit during their partnership. But, after Blinkley turned on his partner and showed administrative officials 11 prescriptions for Adderall in Flaubert’s name, the latter was expelled from OU, and the operation expanded beyond measure.
Political science and economics majors have already begun speculating the effects this will have on the campus’ underground world. Most estimates include an increase in violence around Hamlin Hall as smaller, Adderall-smuggling students fight for a larger share of the market.
The price of the drug is also expected to increase, creating heavier incentives for students diagnosed with ADHD to sell their medications and risk allowing their grades to fall.
With the sudden depletion of supply, frequenters of the quiet floor in Kresge Library should have a difficult time finding a place to sit, as people who formerly had “no problem” concentrating are now trailing behind in their classwork.
Jared Pullen, a professor from OU’s criminal justice department, talked about the sophistication of the criminal network created by Blinkley and Flaubert.
“If two college freshmen are capable of creating what is essentially an adorable mini-version of the Sinaloa Cartel, then we’re either teaching people right, or doing something really wrong,” Pullen said.