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The Oakland Post

SATIRE: An open letter to the president

Simon Albaugh, Staff Reporter

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Dear President Trump,

I supported you from the very start. I knew you would be the best candidate for my interests and my goals for this country. Right when I saw that you were running, I knew you’d art-of-the-deal every last American straight to a victory.

I mean, who else is smart enough to get elected while hiding his taxes and practically admitting to assaulting women? There’s no way Bernie could’ve gotten away with saying something like that! He didn’t even go to an ivy league school.

But I digress. Just wanted to say that I’m a big fan, and I have some executive-order ideas. Would you indulge a big fan and bring one or two of these ideas into your office? You’re already doing everything perfectly; I just wanted you to start seeing a future that both of us could believe in. You know, to Make America Great Again.

So here they are:

Do everything you can to limit people from other countries having any connection with native-born American citizens

You’re playing with fire when you let someone from a different culture, such as a communist Scandinavian country, come in and tell good-natured American people they think wrong. Just make sure to keep building those walls, and we’ll be all right.

Allow guns in schools

I don’t know, say it’s because of bears or something. Just make sure that those kids can defend themselves from violent people that we can just say have mental-health problems.

And speaking of the mass shootings that happen every once in awhile . . .

Get all the mentally ill people in an internment camp for treatment

Even though only about 15 percent of mass shooters have ever been described as mentally ill before their crime (less than the 18.2 percent of the general public), putting them away would give people a sense of safety that’s just so much easier than actually researching and reporting on the problem.

We probably can’t know the real cause of tragedies like these because we don’t . . .

Amend the Constitution to make it so foreign companies can give money to the president

Let’s face it, you already made that a pretty easy thing for you to do with your real estate company. But this way you could ensure that it’s perfectly legal, loophole or not, to allow the other presidents to do some back-door diplomacy, to stop war or something.

And to make something like that easier . . .

Limit the press by expanding the facts used in libel lawsuits to also include “alternative facts”

The American people need a voice. And it sounds like someone who doesn’t pronounce “China” or “huge” correctly. Stop the news organizations from invading political figures’ privacy and let them Make America Great Again by any means necessary. Even the unethical means.

And most importantly . . .

Implement a four-year ban on any religions or customs that originated in the Middle East

We already know that there’s a major threat of Islamic radicalization right in our American backyards. So, the most important thing is to make sure that they don’t have any more of an influence on our culture before the average Joes become jihadists. You can tell the American people that, while they’re giving up Christmas morning, they still hold their freedom.

I’d really appreciate it if you could consider some of these great ideas. I won’t say that my support necessarily helped you win, but let’s just say that when you said, “I’d sell my soul to be president,” I was listening.

Written to my orange horseman of the apocalypse, with love,

Satan 

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Oakland University's independent student newspaper.