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SATIRE: Student sells soul to devil to pay off loans

Illustration by Nowshin Chowdhury

Students depressed about money problems don't have to fear anymore, the devil is always here to make a deal.

Shelby Tankersley, Campus Editor

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College is a time of friends, exploration, knowledge and debt. But it’s mostly just debt, and that debt piles higher and higher with every semester. It becomes too much for some students to bear on their own.

To help pay off his debt, Oakland University junior and psychology major Fred Dyinginside literally sold his soul to none other than the Prince of Darkness himself: Satan.

“It was a great sale,” Satan said via email. “I love these young souls, they have so much life in them, and I just love crushing that spirit. My favorite part is throwing them in the Lake of Fire at the end, like a basketball.”

Dyinginside works a part-time job with Chartwells in Vandenberg Hall and said he is very frugal with his spending. However, he said it is still hard to make ends meet, especially with this academic year’s tuition hike.

“I can only work so many hours and still pass my classes,” he said. “So, I just did what I had to do. I know that my soul’s eternal resting place is important, but I would rather not be in debt right now. I am trying to get my adult life started debt-free.”

Apparently, Satan is a tough guy to strike a deal with. Dyinginside sold his soul for a measly $50. But, he boasted that he was able to talk Satan up from the original offer of $30.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I’m pretty dang desperate,” he said. “I know it’s not much, but now I have $50 less to pay back.”

Dyinginside explained that he immediately turned this $50 over to the provider of his direct unsubsidized loan.

He then burst into tears when he realized that this $50 of debt would just re-accumulate because of interest.

Though Dyinginside paid more than he was originally planning to, Satan was rather happy with his purchase.

“This kid has a lot of potential in life,” Satan said. “He has a very pure soul. I can’t wait to crush it.”

He explained that he crushes the soul of a college student by giving it a feeling of despair that starts out subtle and slowly builds as graduation day looms closer. When graduation day finally comes, he then allows the soul to feel anxiety about whether or not it will die alone.

When asked if he has ever felt guilty for buying the soul of a perfectly good college student, Satan said he never lets emotions get in the way of a sale.

“It’s not my fault the kid made a dumb decision,” Satan said. “I have a job too, you know. Just because I’m Satan doesn’t mean I get to lounge around all day.”

Dyinginside said that he and Satan shook hands and parted ways after the deal was sealed. For now, at least, he is at peace with his decision.

“I just want to get my degree,” he said. “Death is so far away, I’m just not going to worry about my soul.”

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Oakland University's independent student newspaper.