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SATIRE: For sale: President-elect

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The new pet president-elect barks at neighbors he dislikes and built a wall to keep them out.

Simon Albaugh, Staff Reporter

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After rushing to get a president-elect in time for Christmas, my husband and I realized this decision shouldn’t be made lightly.

We thought it’d be cute to give the president-elect a trial run to help us figure out whether we want any bigger responsibilities. You know, to give us something to take care of before we decide to have kids.

But this turned out to be a nightmare that I don’t ever want again.

We’re losing our minds trying to deal with the president-elect we have. He’s been barking everywhere we go at everybody that he thinks is a threat, which is almost everyone.

I say almost everyone because he loves our creepy Russian neighbor along the eastern side of the neighborhood. For some screwed up reason, he’s absolutely ecstatic whenever they get to see each other. Not good for when I try to forget that neighbor exists.

And even though we have a perfectly good fence around our yard, he insists that we build a wall to keep the Hispanic mailman, another threat, away from the house.

The weird thing is that he’s really possessive. Even before we took him in as president-elect, he’d try to make other people pay for things that he needed. I just chalked this up to trying to be cute to get adopted, but I’m starting to realize it’s a personality flaw. 

And he attracts all the stray Republicans wherever he goes. You’re not just dealing with the president-elect when you try to walk him, you’re dealing with an entourage of strays that all seem to bark at the same dumb things.

What’s worse is one of the strays, Mike Pence, gets our president-elect all riled up about homosexuals and abortions. Not what we’re looking for in a president-elect at all.

It seemed like a good idea because, at the start, there wasn’t much of a variety to choose from. The only other option was another one of the same problem pets. And we were NOT about to get a cat.  

So, we’ve decided to staple fliers around the neighborhood and near the schools, looking for somebody to take him in. He’s not right for us, and we thought maybe it would be better than just putting him out on the street.

We know most of the sensible neighbors aren’t going to want him. But we were thinking that maybe the Russian guy from the eastern side of the neighborhood would ask the price at least.

He’s done good things too. Like . . . Well, he’ll show you if you buy him. He always talks about the things he’s the greatest at.

You name the price, because we want him gone. If you’re not looking for a pet, we don’t care what you use him for anyway.

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Oakland University's independent student newspaper.