SATIRE: OU to name new building after Drew Carey
January 10, 2017
Filed under Satire
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As a new building rises, so do suspicions. Construction has occurred just off Pioneer Drive for several months. The shape of a building is starting to form, but until now, little information was released about what is being built.
Some faculty members have stated that it’s additional housing, but there are students who think it’s something else entirely.
“My bet is it’s a second recreation center with a spa and an indoor tennis court,” said Rocco Botte, a junior majoring in women and gender studies. “One that will only be open to the elite staff of the school. They’ll be in there enjoying their espresso machine and mud baths. You can be damn sure I’ll be flippin’ ’em off while I’m looking for a place to park.”
Botte went on to say that he hates Facilities Management.
When Facilities Management was asked about the construction, it confirmed that the building won’t be new housing, as originally planned.
“What we’re building is a East Foundation Hall,” said Walter Donaldson, a low-level Facilities Management employee. “We have a North and a South Foundation Hall, so we thought to ourselves, ‘Why not build an East or West one?’”
The planning committee was enthusiastic about the idea.
“I loved the idea since the minute it was pitched to me,” said Grover Smith, the construction team leader. “I signed the contract under one condition: I get to pick the name.”
“Grover decided that the new building was going to be named after the person he idolizes most,” Donaldson said. “The person who he said, ‘embodies the very spirit of OU.’”
“The Drew Carey Foundation Hall,” Smith said, beaming at the pile of displaced dirt and concrete. “I thought it had a nice ring to it. I like Drew Carey, and I know the students love him too. I saw him on TV that one time in the OC. He was hosting some game show or something. You know, the one that Bob Barker hosted before he died. He is dead, right?”
Smith said construction on the building is going to end in late summer, and the building will officially open this fall.
“There’s going to be a big bronze statue of Drew right inside the entrance when you walk in,” he said. “It’s going to be the first thing you see when you walk inside, and there’s going to be portraits and artwork of Drew all around. It’s gonna be great.”
The building is expected to be the most expensive building at OU to date, costing over three times of what the Engineering Center cost.
“Tell your family, tell all your friends,” Smith said. “Tell ’em that come fall 2017, you’ll be able to say, ‘I’ve been inside Drew Carey.’”
When asked about the new building, Drew Carey declined to comment. His legal team is expected to press charges against OU.