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SATIRE: Political parties form in search for OU’s next president

Illustration by Nowshin Chowdhury

Students have already started fighting over which party gets to rally by the Elliott tower.

Matthew Noey, Contributor

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With President George Hynd leaving Oakland University in 2017, the search for the next president is already beginning.

Two sides have been established in strong opposition to each other. One party, the More Engineering Party, whose mascot is an iPhone, wants to improve the engineering programs.

“We need more engineering,” said More Engineering Party Chairman Bob Buildmore. “One huge building is not enough. All the buildings have to be engineering buildings. The buildings must be assimilated.”

The other party, the More Liberal Arts Party, represented by a tree which is supposed to symbolize something too deep for anyone but members of the party to understand, is a little more unclear about what exactly they want.

“. . . like butterflies of Chicago, which go from computer to computer, observing the passage of time through . . .” More Liberal Arts Party Chairman Saul Ametafor said during a 20-minute speech that sounded like one long sentence.

When asked about Buildmore’s party, Ametafor replied “That’s just, like, their opinion, man,” before staring wistfully at the sky and commenting on the shape of a cloud that he thought resembled an ostrich.

Many candidates are being considered for each party. The More Engineering Party is considering tech entrepreneurs, or at the very least the ghost of Nikola Tesla, which has been stored in a light bulb since his death in 1943. Tesla was an inventor, engineer, physicist and futurist who designed the modern alternating current electricity supply system, according to Wikipedia.

The More Liberal Arts Party is hoping that a talking platypus will accept its support, despite the fact that they have been unable to find a talking platypus as well as accusations that they are taking way too many things symbolically.

There is also a party with considerably less support called the Third Option Party, whose primary goal is to establish a satellite campus in space. Critics have described the party as “out there” and commented that members need to “keep their feet on the ground.”

Because Oakland is not a democracy, the selection process will mostly take place behind closed doors. These doors will be locked, barred, blocked by armed guards and in a building surrounded by a moat full of laser crocodiles. Each member of the presidential search committee will know how to pass one obstacle, thus ensuring that only the entire committee working together can make it inside. Though some say this is excessive, others say it is “too cool to not do.”

For students to have a say in the outcome of the selection process, Oakland has posted a Facebook meme. A “like” supports More Engineering, a “share” supports More Liberal Arts, a “comment” supports the Third Option, and scrolling past the meme supports Satan. Currently, Satan is ahead in the meme vote, but Oakland officials have been unable to establish contact and find out if he even wants the job.

No matter who becomes the next president of Oakland, some things are certain. Tuition will skyrocket, buildings will be built, and parking will deteriorate to the point that finding a spot at the Palace of Auburn Hills lot will be considered a stroke of luck.

1 Comment

One Response to “SATIRE: Political parties form in search for OU’s next president”

  1. Brian Litchfield on November 3rd, 2016 8:59 am

    Ah, now I know why OU fundraising has been calling lately. The new President will need new funds for more new buildings. It all seems so clear now. The millions of dollars the University makes in student loan “processing fees” must not be enough, eh? So, OU would like to beggar more money from me whilst I still owe tens of thousands of dollars in loans? Hmm… No.

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